Control is such a strong and powerful word, one that has been hovering in my consciousness, working it's way in and out of my life for some time now. Not too long ago I felt completely at the mercy of the universe. Out of control of anything. It started with a friend of mine who died in a car accident, followed by the death of my grandfather and my father shortly after that. This all happened within a year. Grief and loss swept over me like a tidal wave. I began living impulsively, fearing that my time was coming at any moment. I got drunk, angry, lost and afraid. Then I realized:
I want to be happy
This was a mantra that seemed to flow and flow through my mind on repeat. I was sick and tired of my happiness being attached to the people, places and things that were outside of my control. I found by just repeating these words my happiness started to grow. I found myself slowly regaining control of the chaos that had become my life. It started with small steps of things that were easier to control. First I stopped eating red meat, then eventually chicken and fish. I began exercising. I started kickboxing, where running a mile was part of the training regime. Running felt good for me, so I did more of it. One mile became five, five became ten then 18 months later, I ran a marathon.
These relatively small things I could do to control my physical health gave me strength and courage to delve deeper. To control my happiness and wellbeing.
I traveled the world alone. When I was in India, I quit drinking and though I was already eating vegetarian, I began eating vegan. Then I faced my most difficult and significant challenge: sitting through 10 days of complete silence and meditation. This is where I truly learned to regain control of my life, and my happiness. It's hard work: sitting still, listening to yourself, your breath, but in this place, I learned compassion, peace and that life can be lived proactively rather than reactively.
This post is aimed at those who feel a lack of control. There is hope. You will have to work and at times it will be difficult. You will need to differentiate when to take rest and when to push yourself. There will be days when you wake, and begin to notice there is a shift taking place. You have the ability to change and transform and it is up to you to decide who you want to become.
If you need tips and tricks for regaining control or becoming unstuck, feel free to reach out.